Someone had to say it

The past week was a masterclass in disgrace. A police constable fell harder than his own institution’s credibility, funeral parlour employees turned hearses into getaway vans, and a millionaire at the U.S. Open thought stealing from a kid was a flex. From Borella to Nawalapitiya to New York, the pattern is clear: when people in power lose their shame, the rest of us lose our patience. Let’s get into it.

Protect and Serve? Try Prey and Swerve

In Borella, three women at a massage parlour were allegedly assaulted after two men barged in, and here’s the kicker: both suspects are cops. One’s still in the force, the other’s a former constable.

According to police, the pair intimidated staff, abused three women, and then tried to bolt. One didn’t make it far; he fell from an upper floor mid-escape and is now in the hospital, under guard, with more than just his dignity bruised. The other is still on the run.

It’s hard to think of a clearer example of the rot inside the very system meant to protect us. If the uniforms themselves start showing up as predators, who exactly are we supposed to call when the call is for them?

Last Word: Gravity did what accountability rarely does.

Dead Serious About Crime

Nawalapitiya just gave us a heist story that’s equal parts grim and absurd. Two funeral parlour employees, one a hearse driver, the other a body embalmer, went on a robbery spree, using corpses as their cover. Yes, you read that right. They parked a hearse, body inside, outside shops to avoid suspicion, then slipped in to rob cash and valuables.

In their latest stunt, they hit a jewellery shop, grabbed the loot, and even stole the CCTV DVR like they’d watched one too many crime thrillers. When police finally caught them, the trail of stolen goods led back to the embalming room, where jewellery worth over Rs. 3.8 million was stashed alongside the bodies they were meant to prepare.

The funeral parlour’s owner swears he knew nothing, but the staff clearly saw an opportunity: if death doesn’t raise eyebrows, neither will a parked hearse.

Last Word: When your cover story is literally a corpse, you’re not just robbing shops, you’re burying decency six feet under.

Game, Set… Snatch?

The U.S. Open had its usual drama this week, but it wasn’t on the court. After his win, tennis player Kamil Majchrzak tried to hand his cap to a little boy named Brock. Sweet gesture, right? Except a grown man swooped in, snatched the hat, stuffed it in his bag, and strutted off like he’d just won Wimbledon.

The video went viral instantly. Brock yelled, “What are you doing?”,  a question we’re all still asking. Social media detectives quickly ID’d the thief as a Polish millionaire and CEO, who later doubled down, saying, “If you were faster, you would have it.” Sir, this isn’t Mario Kart. It’s a children’s autograph session.

Thankfully, Majchrzak made it right. He tracked Brock down, met him in person, and showered him with merch. The kid got his happy ending, the internet got its villain, and the CEO got the world’s most embarrassing reputation boost.

Last Word: If your legacy is stealing hats from kids, maybe it’s time to retire, and not just from tennis.

Until next week, spot the villains, keep the receipts, and for heaven’s sake, leave the kid his hat.
– Rihaab