By Paul Topping

Born out of a moment in time, a response in disbelief, shock or amazing wit, we have all uttered a short, memorable one-liner or sentence. An expletive or witty line in a changing situation. Many of mine, along with a few from others over the last twenty-plus years, have become a collection of random rules or statements. 

Many occur whilst travelling.

They were initially featured in the famous LT magazine, then in my books, and now in my weekly Daily Mirror stories. 

I’ve received further support from those close to me and some amazing people I’ve worked with, who have shared their random rule moments. One of my first was, “Never pass an Irish pub, always go in.”

In Baku and other places on my travels, especially in countries strange to me, visits to Irish pubs have rapidly expanded my local knowledge. They have helped me make new friends in strange lands.

Extensive travel, by its nature, creates more situations in which random rules pop out.

“Never accept the first bedroom offered to you in a hotel.”

“Always enter a hotel as though you own it.”

“Always take fun friends to explore new places.”

“Travel first class, if you don’t, your kids will.”

“Make your life a vacation.”

“Always engage with the locals.”

I worked for a CEO who had two rules: “Never attempt winning moves from impossible positions.” This was followed by “Always remain on the board of play.”

With a collection of over five hundred Whinging Pome random rules, I started working on a mini coffee-table book of random rules. My potential publisher is waiting with bated breath. It will be the sort of gift you would buy someone when you can’t think of anything else to buy them.

Robert De Niro came out with a one-liner when in Australia: “You talking to me, buddy?” To a person who once asked me if I was Rodney Dangerfield, I said, “Just show me a little respect when I come home.” He was an American comedian, and this was his classic one-liner.

Given that we have a place called Glasshouse nestled in the mountains of Victoria, I created a random rule: “The best house in the mountains is your friend’s house”, and my friends agree.

“Always hang out with positive people” is one of my special rules.

Some one-liners are derived from the originals but have been changed. For example, “This horse is dead, let’s stop flogging it.”

Travelling and working in India is an inspirational experience that creates English one-liners.

“I know where your house lives” is an indirect threat. My Nepalese driver, when picking up clients from the airport and bringing them to my office, would say, “Madam, I will enter from the backside route.” He meant the car park around the back.

Whilst in India, my travelling companion, Shahwaz, was the biggest snorer you could imagine. My response? “If your friend snores badly, sleep with his wife.”

I recall a one-liner from my father, a preacher: “Eat your greens, they will help you grow tall.” Clearly, he was wrong.

For those Tapophiles who follow the Whinging Pome, cemeteries are full of random rules and are a reminder to maximise your time on earth.

“Gone fishing.”

“I told you I was ill. Finally, I get some rest.”

I am living my life with no regrets, just lessons and great friends. Send me your random rules on Instagram at @thewhingingpome.