I’ve been out of business for three years. A lot has happened in the dating world since. We need a map, GPS, and a first-aid kit to make it back to the world of dating once again. 

I would rather walk on hot stones than start dating again. Very simply put, what in Eff do people do on dates now? Has this crossed your mind too? I am cupping my tumbler of warm cinnamon tea trying to imagine the conversations I would have on a date, should Nick Bateman ask. 

It’s far more challenging for those who have been out of it for a while; as confident as you may be in other aspects, being available to dating is something that scares my ingrown hairs out of me. 

Thinking through, I thought of some of the things that would definitely challenge me and others who have been out of the game… 

1. Pepper-Pot 

Since I’ve not been asked, I am afraid that I wouldn’t know if I am being flirted with. A typical conversation with me and an average Joe: 

Him: Hello… 

Me: [Points a pepper spray in his face] 

“What do you want? Who gave you permission to talk to me? Do you have abs under that shirt?” 

So, now you see why I would probably not have to think any further about dating again. 

2. MCQ Quiz 

Single as I am, I've come to understand that guys don't use the word ‘date' when they ask girls on ‘dates' anymore. Apparently, that world is now only limited to a number of the calendar or the type of fruit. I've been told that it's not ‘in' to call it that anymore. So, how is it coded? How would we know it’s a date? 

I've strictly told myself that I deserve more than McDonalds and ‘getting ugly' in the back of his car, (win on the Jason Derulo reference!) and prefer the old school method. So, now you know who will be hiring a chimney sweep... 

3. Closeted 

Recently, I was cleaning out my closet – at the end of 15 minutes I had two piles of clothing. ‘Office’ or ‘casual’, the former dominated about 85% of the pile. It struck me that I had no ‘date-y’ clothes. You know those cute, floral, Bo-ho things girls don in their selfies. It seems to me that the world of dating only allows midriff bearing or just-about-panty types of shorts. I could and would not wear either…so do I just stay at home forever? 

4. Convo-Clutter 

I can talk. Anyone who knows me will know that conversation is no problem. But, that’s about work or something – what do you talk about on dates? The economy? The ECTA? The dwindling lack of interest in communicating via conversation prevalent in society? How KitKat doesn’t taste like it used to? 

I might have to Google ‘conversation starters’ before. 

5. Manner Me Tender 

Stemming from conversations, what if there are no sparks and he starts checking his Facebook feed; you know how it happens – it starts with a quick glance on your mobile phone preview, and then suddenly it’s a full blown WhatsApp-Snapchat-Instagram stream and you’re hardly making eye contact with the person in front of you and saying, ‘erm, yes… okay…’ 

If it was me, I would have shot him in the foot. Or in the groin. I would not be able to handle the height of rudeness and just leave. But, that, I am told is what happens on dates. 

6. Split-Spree 

And the bill arrives… obviously, I am going to take my card out to contribute and make a little fuss, but I would feel insulted if he accepted the offer to split. Let it be known that no man will ever allow a woman to pay even at gun point. It’s only a test. If it’s a date, guys pay, it doesn’t matter who initiated it. 

7. Code Red 

At the end of the date, I really wouldn’t know how to end it. Would it be a tap on the shoulder, a curt handshake, a kiss on the cheek, or tongue throttle? Experts (AKA BFF) suggest that we should judge the tempo of the evening and be open to one – so let’s aim for a handshake. 

This reminds me of a conversation I was privy to about a guy who was known to expect reciprocity with a few Energizer bunny moves in the back of a car after he's covered the bill. 

I’d be so nervous at the end of the day that I might secretly call a PickMe Nano in the bathroom when we near the end of the evening just to be on the safe side. 

8. Follow Up – Follow Not 

Do we text him later to thank him for the evening? Would that look like I was pining for another date? Honestly, I would hate it if he said nothing about the next meeting if I thought the date went well. Should I bring it up? Women are thought to be tactful, but I seem to be missing this trait! 

No matter how long you’ve been single for, or if you’re the type whose calendar for 2017 is crossed out with guys’ names, we will all have even a little fear. This is my list of eight concerns – more than enough reasons to dodge dates. Is this you? What are your dating doomsday stories? You tell me to wrestle a dragon, I will go out with only a butter knife; you tell me to go on a date, I will set fire to myself and still be happier. 

If you can relate to any of the events above, go ahead and hit the ‘share’ button to send this to your BFF! As always, feel free to let me know your thoughts on Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on www.msconfidentialcolombo.blogspot.com!