I haven’t been on one for almost four years – but I hear too many horror stories to convince me that I ought to remain just as I am. It's either that my expectations are way too high, or guys are just clueless; I suspect the latter. Should this be taught as a formal subject in school? I would probably agree with that. 

Thanks to the ‘House of Wax’-Esque horror stories I am privy to, I have come to understand that there’s not just one, but several types of bad dates. Can you imagine! 

Maybe you’ve experienced one or more of those ones I have listed below or perhaps you’ve had something completely different. 

1. Non-Datos: 

You didn’t know it was a date; it’s as simple as that. You assumed when he meant a movie that there would be other human beings as well. Now you're leaning on to the opposite side of your seat, squirming uncomfortably, and waiting for the 90 minutes to pass. You’re hungry AF but you are certainly not going to dig into his popcorn. You laugh louder and speak even louder, just implying that you are FRIENDS lest passers-by think it’s anything else. I can’t even imagine saying goodbye to each other in such awkward situations. I will do a mad dash across the lawn and wave at him from the window. 

 

2. No-Cus-Locus: 

Going on a date with someone you don’t like. Does this sound familiar? It's a typical scenario when this said person and you have mutual friends and you like the person as a friend and nothing beyond. You can’t say ‘no’ because it’s going to make things very awkward for you socially and you oblige. The rest of the evening is spent with you making zero eye contact and praying that there won’t be another date. Even when he hints at other things he wants you to try out, you pretend not to understand what he is getting at. 

 

3. Butterfly - Dragons: 

It’s very rare that the guy you actually like takes you out; he is everything you imagined he would be. Charming, polite, and courteous, looking at him makes you think of Sepia-filtered pictures on Tumblr. He is everything… did I mention this before? It turns out to be a nightmare because you cannot function. You break out in a cold sweat. You start biting your nails for the first time in your life. He asks you, ‘What is it that you do at work?’… The fire-breathing butterflies respond, [laugh giddily] ‘it’s fine...thank you. I like blue’. So the next date never happens. 

 

4. Clueless: 

Then there are those dates where you don't know how you stand. Was it okay? Did he have a good time? Was he bored? You think you had a good time but because of these confused turn of events, you don't know how it stands. 

 

5. Pay Per View: 

A close friend recently told me how a Douche had requested for ‘some action’ because he had paid for dinner. He said ‘at least a kiss for dinner’. I understand the principle of reciprocity; he should expect ice cream from you – not exchange bodily fluids. 

 

6. Wrong Number: 

He isn’t what you imagined at all. His manners are abysmal. He calls you when he is ten minutes away to be standing outside to be picked up. He doesn't ask you what your preferences are. In fact, he spends the whole night surveying other people around and wearing an expression of disdain. 

 

7. Chea-Poh: 

Cheapos are the absolute worst. Imagine taking you to KFC on your first date. You’re dressed to the nines and you splurge on getting your hair done and he comes in shorts. You entertain thoughts of burning him when he expects you to pay for your two-piece chicken meal. 

 

8. Selfless: 

He insists on documenting the whole night. In fact, much of evening involves selfies, Snapchat and Instagram. You scratch your ear awkwardly wondering why you are a part of this deal anyway. He seems like he has more fun on his own by the looks of it. 

 

9. Location, Location, Location: 

He can be a great guy having delightful manners, but if he picks some seedy joint, this qualifies as a bad date. I can be a versatile person, but if he brings me to ABC location because that’s where he used to meet his Ex, this guy’s history. 

 

10. Car-Boom?: 

He indicates that the night should end with a little ‘boom' in the back of his car. You are appalled. You push his expectant hand off your knee. Whatever happened to driving in silence? As you have said a firm ‘no', this precious little pumpkin (not the word I really want to use) gets annoyed and sulks during the 20-minute ride home. You think you can salvage the night by thanking him, but he grabs his phone so that he doesn't have to face you as you step out of the vehicle. You never hear from him again. All hail the Father of all scumbags. 

 

Let's face it, bad dates are about growing up. If you are able to recognize one that just goes to show that your interests have matured and that you have growing expectations. You should be happy that you don't settle for mediocrity and that you don't plan on anytime soon. 

It also serves as a tool for comparison for times when you know that history should not repeat. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’ve wrinkled your face like you’ve smelt BBO; go ahead and share a giggle as you ‘share’ this with your friends. Give them something to laugh about. 

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