There are certain things that should never escape your mouth; especially if the person you are conversing with is single. The three relationships in my life equate four years in toto; therefore, for twenty-six something years, I have been exposed to things that should be banished from civilization as we know it. 

Have you ever looked at someone, narrowing your eyes, incapable of understanding if they’re just ignorant of basic social skills or if they’re missing the part of the brain that filters speech? I know that I’ve done it a few million times in my lifetime. They’re blatant to a point where even people like me, who always have a sarcastic retort up our sleeves, are left bereft of speech. 

As I ordered an ultra-greasy cheese kottu today, I remembered something a colleague recently told me. He said ‘Why do you eat so much? Don't you want to be slim so that someone will want to marry you?' I was blinded by rage as politely spat out that since he wasn't the one marrying me that this shouldn't be his problem. I said this with the brightest of smiles, to which he tried to retract his words saying that he meant it as a friend etc. Cue to eye roll. I couldn’t be the only one who received this form of ‘abuse’, so I thought I’d let you in on some of the things I have heard over the years. 3…2…1...Go! 

1.) Wedding Boo 

“There won’t be anyone left to marry you" – goodness, what is it about people who think that the only thing we ever think about is being married. Yes, a f*ck-all party with a good band and Christian Louboutin heels are the only reasons I want a wedding, not marriage - there's a difference. If there isn't anyone left to get married when I am ready to share the remaining 50 years of my life, I will marry cake and that's a match made in heaven. 

 

2.) Pogo Pop 

“Are you a lesbian?"

I've been vulgar enough to say I love pogo sticks too much to settle for waffles. Completely worth the bug-eyed, stupefied reaction! 

 

3.) You Mean The Wh*re World To Me 

“Do you have many lovers?”

A miasma of hatred and anger clouds my thinking when I am asked this. To think that someone would imagine that the only reason I choose to be single is because I cannot settle for one "stick". This is why I have grey hair sprouting from every inch of my head. 

 

4.) Party Pooper 

I just needed to use the words ‘party’ and ‘poop’ together. The latter is exactly how they make you feel when they ask you ‘Did you party the whole weekend away?' – You ask why, only to hear something along the lines of ‘You have no responsibilities so you must be partying the weekend away'. If by ‘party' they mean not combing my hair for three days, wearing nothing my pajamas, and tops that have more holes than a mound of cheddar, lazing in bed for 48 hours straight, then, yes, I party the hardest. 

 

5.) Martha Stale-wart 

“Can you cook?” 

Please don't question our culinary capabilities. Don't even tell us that we should master making homemade bread because it's KFC for life. There's a reason that there is home delivery service. 

 

6.) Ladies of Leisure 

“You’re just lazy to be in a relationship” 

This is the truth, but you don't need to hear someone say it. 

 

7.) Busta Rhymes 

“You’ve missed the bus” Or, the other variation of this, “You will miss the bus”.  A ‘Bus’ meaning eligible men who will come and go and would be snatched by other oh, so clever girls; the point doesn't sink when you say that it's worth waiting for a Lamborghini rather than public transport. 

 

8.) Seasonal Friends 

“You give your friends priority" is something I've heard others complain about. It's only natural that you tend to give much more priority to your friends who remain faithful and constant than someone who claims to love you because it's their hand's 'rest day'. 

 

9.) Adulterer 

“You write that awful sex blog” is not said directly, but in different forms. Because writing about it is infinitely worse than committing it. Sigh. 

 

10.) Hopscotch 

“Did you play around when you were younger?"

I explain that the only thing I played was hopscotch, and in that, I didn't fare too well either. 

 

11.) Job-A-Thon 

Somehow, when people find nothing wrong with you, they assume your tainted because of the industry you work in  or the kind of job you. “You work too hard/work in the wrong place" is when you could be having a wonderful evening at an office cocktail, and someone remembers that they must ruin the night for you and says that my civil status is attributed to the career choices I've made. 

 

That concludes eleven things you wish people never said about you being single! There could be more and I’m sure you’ve heard it. Share your horror stories with me via Ms. Confidential live on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on www.msconfidentialcolombo.blogspot.com! Don’t forget to share this post and look out for next week’s update.