Separated, but what about the kids? 

We all expect to grow up and have fairytale endings, being married to the love of your life surrounded by beautiful bouncy children. Sometimes the fairytale doesn’t seem to have the ending we would always prefer. Undying love suddenly realizes it had a sell by date and the future seems better apart than together. That doesn’t mean that’s the end of the story, happy endings can be revamped to suit the situation. When parents separate, children are always the most affected. It is very hard for a little mind to comprehend why their two most favourite people do not want to be together anymore. Why can't we just go on playing happy families? 

Growing up is hard enough, without the added complications of absent parents, visiting schedules and dealing with new family members. Holidays tend to once again call for extreme family time, this is the time for customs and traditions to be made and the child feels loved and secure in the bevy of both their parents. But if a recent separation has occurred it is a trying time for all concerned. Rather than wallow in the doom and gloom of your failed marriage do not forget that the children are also part of your sadness. They are looking towards you to decide what the new ending will be and helping them to deal with the new changes will surprisingly be your way of healing your sorrows as well. 

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How to help children through a separation: 

1. If a separation has occurred and a divorce is pending then forget the unnecessary chaos of what will people say etc and deal with the real problem at hand and that is the children. Even though you would rather die than be in the same room as your spouse, you must not forget that you two share the most precious possession that you both cherish and that is your children. You owe them the dignity of a peaceful ending. To be constantly fighting with your ex-spouse in front of the children will only complicate an already tricky situation. Do not unfold your drama in front of the children. 

2. Stand together united on your decision and explain together, especially to the older children why Mummy and Daddy are separating. Communication is very important at this time, you are not doing them any favours by keeping them out of the loop. Do not send them away to relatives whilst the drama unfolds, only for them to come home to have one lesser parent. Constantly explain to them and get their thoughts on the events to unfold. Children can be very resilient but you must remember that their safe comforting world is now slowly unravelling and they will need all the support that they can get. 

3. Be wise to your child’s behaviour during this period. They might put on a strong front in your presence, but being human they will act out their anger and sorrows. Doing badly in their schoolwork, being  aggressive to other kids, bed wetting in smaller children are some signs that your child is trying to deal with their loss. 

4. As your family structure changes with kids being shuttled back and forth between your spouse and yourself, remember that kids take great comfort in their normal routines. It would be helpful to keep some normalcy in their daily structure. Kids are comforted when they know what’s happening next especially through tumultuous times. 

5. Being separated during holidays is especially difficult, for children look forward to the little family traditions and so forth. Be very clear beforehand on who has the children for which particular holidays. Practice great patience and humility as these plans are addressed for to get upset over and any demands only affect the children and no one else. 

Separation and divorce are normal problems in life. You can either make it a dramatic painful ordeal or you can be adults about it and realize the futility of it and make plans as to how to deal with the impending end. When children are involved it is always best to take the high road and deal with the problem sensibily. Despite every pore in your body screaming to take any sort of vengeance on your much hated ex-spouse you have to remember that without them you wouldn’t have this beautiful tiny creature that is your child. You owe, at least your children a peaceful end to their parent’s marriage. 

By Mayuri Jayasinghe