By Lughadarini Yogaraja 

We are taught to be afraid of the stranger in the dark. But some of the most important warning signs appear much earlier through a message, a joke, a friendly touch, a secret, or someone who refuses to respect a simple no.

For generations, women and girls in Sri Lanka have been taught a familiar set of safety rules: do not walk alone at night, be careful with strangers, tell someone where you are going and avoid accepting drinks from people you do not know. These precautions have their place, but there is a more uncomfortable truth we need to discuss. Danger does not always come from a stranger. It can come from someone familiar a colleague, neighbour, teacher, relative, friend, romantic partner, employer or someone who has slowly gained a person's trust.

This is why understanding behaviour rather than appearances is so important. A predator does not necessarily look frightening. They may be charming, generous, popular, funny or highly respected. The first warning sign may not be an obvious act of violence. It may be someone repeatedly testing whether you will allow your boundaries to be crossed.

One of the biggest red flags is a person who does not respect “no.” If someone continues touching you after you move away, repeatedly asks for sexual photographs after you decline, pressures you to drink or meet privately, makes unwanted sexual jokes or keeps pursuing you after you have clearly rejected them, pay attention. A boundary is not something that another person gets to negotiate. Saying “no” does not require an explanation.

Another warning sign is secrecy. Be cautious when someone tells you that your relationship, conversations or meetings must remain secret. This can be particularly important for children and teenagers. An adult who tells a child, “This is our little secret,” asks them not to tell their parents about gifts or conversations, or creates a special relationship that depends upon secrecy is displaying a serious warning sign. Sri Lanka's National Child Protection Authority specifically identifies secrecy surrounding inappropriate touching as an important warning sign when educating children about sexual abuse. 

Predatory behaviour can also begin online. Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, WhatsApp, gaming platforms and dating applications can provide opportunities for people to build trust before attempting to exploit it. Grooming often happens gradually. Someone may begin with compliments, excessive attention, gifts or emotional support, then slowly introduce sexual conversations, request private photographs, ask for video calls, demand secrecy or attempt to isolate the person from friends and family. A sudden request such as “Send me a private photo, just for me” should never be dismissed simply because the person appears trustworthy.

For parents and caregivers, the answer is not to frighten children about the internet or monitor every conversation. It is to create an environment in which children feel safe telling an adult when something feels wrong. Children should know the difference between a safe secret such as a surprise birthday present and a secret that makes them frightened, uncomfortable or pressured. They should also know that no adult has a right to ask them to keep inappropriate touching, photographs or conversations secret.

Children should be taught that they can say “No,” “Stop,” and “I don't like that” even to an adult or someone they know. They should understand that private parts are private and that uncomfortable touching should be reported to a trusted adult. Most importantly, if a child discloses something frightening, adults should listen calmly rather than immediately blaming, interrogating or frightening the child further.

For women, there is another uncomfortable red flag: someone who becomes a completely different person when rejected. A person who initially appears affectionate but becomes threatening, controlling, jealous or abusive when you establish a boundary should not be dismissed as merely overprotective or in love. Demanding passwords, tracking someone's location, insisting on constant access to a phone, threatening to release private photographs, using intimate information as leverage or repeatedly appearing where someone is without invitation can all be signs of controlling behaviour.

Importantly, women should not be taught that avoiding sexual violence is simply a matter of dressing differently, avoiding certain places or behaving properly. Those messages place the burden on potential victims rather than on the person responsible for the harmful behaviour. Safety awareness is valuable; victim-blaming is not.

Sri Lankan law recognises sexual harassment as a criminal offence. Section 345 of the Penal Code covers sexual harassment through assault or criminal force and also conduct involving words or actions that cause sexual annoyance or harassment. The provision also expressly recognises unwelcome sexual advances by words or actions by a person in authority, including in a workplace or other setting. 

Knowing where to seek help matters just as much as knowing the warning signs. Sri Lanka's National Child Protection Authority (NCPA) operates the 1929 Child Helpline, a free, confidential, 24-hour service available in Sinhala, Tamil and English. Importantly, both children and adults can provide information about suspected child abuse. The Ministry of Women and Child Affairs also lists 1938 as the Women Helpline and 1919 as the Government Information Centre. 

Perhaps the most important lesson is this: you do not have to wait until something terrible happens before taking a warning sign seriously. If someone's behaviour makes you uncomfortable, you are allowed to step away. You are allowed to block them. You are allowed to tell someone. You are allowed to change your mind. And you are allowed to ask for help even when the person making you uncomfortable is someone you know.

The goal is not to teach women and children to live in fear. It is to give them something far more powerful: the confidence to recognise unhealthy behaviour, trust their instincts, protect their boundaries and speak up before a red flag becomes a crisis. A person's charm is not proof of their character. Their respect for your boundaries is.