Axing the Exes

Feb 02 2017. view 227

'The Boyfriend' and I have fun conversations where we speculate what our lives would have been like if we had met each earlier - when we were schooling; or when we were teenagers; or even last year. Last week, during an intense conversation about Exes, he said that he wished he came in sooner so that I could have avoided all the heartbreak on the way. 

I fantasized about this for three seconds and refused flatly saying, ‘No, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate you if I hadn't gone through those'

Mistakes are like food if you think about it. There are times when we sleep through breakfast and go in ravenously for lunch, or we might finish a 12" pizza single-handedly without stopping to catch our breath. It's very rare that we eat optimally. The same principle applies to mistakes - it's polar extremes but never 'just right'. 

When you are very deep in a sinkhole and you wonder if reformation is necessary or possible. You've messed up really bad – and by that, I mean bonking the boss, boss' boss, neighbour, and having had an orgy with your father's friends. It is people like that who end up appreciating a solid relationship and knowing what not to do in order to mess it up. You might come off as deeply philosophical with your deep insights into romance and relationships. 

Here's my spin on it: 

1. You give the best Relationship advice: 


People clamour around your feet to hear your wise words. No, I'm just kidding – you just have lots of WhatsApp messages with screenshots from friends asking your spin on each diabolical ‘K’ or emoji. #AllHailTheQueen 

2. You can smell a Douche a mile away: 


Friends like introducing you to the guy as prematurely in the relationship as possible. Your razor-sharp scrutiny can smell the faintest whiff of Douche which can trigger the sirens in your head. Your gaze is sufficient to have him run to the men's and escape through the exhaust vent. If ever, your theme song would be 'So many douches in the atmosphere'. 

3. You can help your Friends appreciate their Partners better: 


When they whine about how they only got an 18 karat ring with a diamond the size of kitten's head, and not the 24 karats one they had been eyeing, you sit them next to you, hold their hand and ask them, ‘But, did you die?' 

Simultaneously, you wonder how much it would cost to check her into an institution for the mentally challenged. 

4. You can predict the downfall of any Relationship: 


It can be IRL, movie, or a book – you know exactly how it goes down. However, it’s best not to share these opinions with friends too early in their relationships. 

5. Nothing fazes you: 


Nothing. You don’t even bat an eyelid when you hear of the spillage of guts and gory. The chances are that you’ve been there and had that. 

6. You can opt out of being in love: 


You have been damaged so much so that opting out of feelings is a possibility. You were lonely for the duration of the relationship anyway, so being alone comes naturally. 

7. Your Expectations are Realistic: 


Your list of attributes for Mr. Future doesn’t have ‘Must look like Elvis Presley’ or ‘Must have an excellent booty to torso ratio’ – it’s more like how well does he want to know me, how does he react to my past, how easily does he want to forgive me for my past misdemeanors, and how willing is he to share his coveted limited-edition Toblerone. 

8. You understand how deep emotions run: 


Some scars take a decade to heal; when you’ve been emotionally bruised you tend to understand why you shouldn’t be abusing someone else’s emotions and how toying with them is destroying their souls. 

9. You mean it when you say ‘I love you’: 


Mainly because you know how casually it’s used to express ‘I want to bone you’. You mean it every single time you have said it. It takes times for your lips to form the words and actually vocalize it, but when you do, your partners know that it’s your mind, body, and soul coming together. 

10. You appreciate The One: 


My final and undoubtedly my favourite. It’s like owning your first Prada or Jimmy Choos – you’d have a bag to hold your bag and you’d walk barefoot on a gravel road so that you can save your shoes. It’s the same when you meet ‘Him’. 

This is not to say that you won’t have screaming matches or want to emotionally jab them with something, but the bottom line is, you know that the pain was a part of the preparation process. You know it was preparing your expectations, your emotions, and even physically pique your interest. 

This is not to say that I accept you cheating on your spouse or intentionally creating a WhatsApp group for an orgy, but if you’ve made these mistakes, take my word, you’re going to be happier than those who claim their pie was consumed on their wedding day. 

Got anything to add? Have a different perspective? Get in touch with me with your thoughts via Ms. Confidential live on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on Don’t forget to hit the ‘share’ button and send it to your BFFs! 


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