By Tina Edward Gunawardhana

Respected journalist and writer Nanda Pethiyagoda turns her empathetic gaze to the hidden heartbreaks of Sri Lankan women in her latest tome Love and Women. Published by PH Publishing House, this book narrates true stories of romantic disillusionment and quiet resilience. Spending a lifetime of observing relationships—beginning with her own sisters' romances and inspired by conversations with friends Pethiyagoda explores the emotional experiences of women whose dreams of love did not materialise. However, driven by duty, maternal love, and inner strength, these women endured. Pethiyagoda gives voice to lives lived behind façades, affirming the quiet heroism of women who choose to hold families together, often at great personal cost.

1.      What inspired you to focus on stories of women whose expectations of love did not materialise? Was there a particular experience or observation that sparked this collection?
The emotion of love has been of great interest to me from almost my childhood, then filial and love among friends. Growing up with three older sisters, romance was much in the air at home. In my late teens, love between girls and boys, men and women grabbed my attention. My friends were having romances with boys. We grew up in a conservative milieu and thus the forbidden (love between sexes) was extra attractive. Additionally, I found English literature focused so much on sensual love.
The particular observation that sparked this collection was the many women I knew who were in disappointing, often traumatic marriages. They kept going for the sake of their children and societal norms. Marriages must hold, even behind false facades. 
 
2 You’ve had a long career as a journalist and information scientist. How did these experiences shape your approach to gathering and telling these deeply personal stories?
Neither career nor freelance journalism promoted my collecting these stories and getting them published, though journalism gave me the ‘poise’ to publish. (I have published 12 books already). However, being a working woman – a librarian for long - I met many people and always had a genuine penchant for interest in people. My hobby was people, particularly women, believe it or not! I never used to get bored in transit in airports. I indulged in looking at people and building stories around them.

3 Your book highlights women who remain strong and successful despite unfulfilled romantic expectations. What do you hope readers—especially women—take away from these narratives?
Apart from the pleasure of reading a few true stories from three statuses of women, I hope readers feel encouraged to endure problems in their marriages. Also that they are reinforced in the sacrifices they probably make to keep families intact.
 
An author phoned me just five minutes ago to say she realised her marriage, which she had said was very unhappy due to her husband’s shortcomings, was not so. She recognised how petty her complaints were against some of the dire faults written about by some of the book’s other narrators. She also realised, she averred, that her husband had many positives she had not appreciated. There lies a concrete, positive outcome of reading my collected stories!

4  The complexities of love between men and women have been a long-standing interest for you. What, in your opinion, makes this subject so endlessly fascinating?
Love with its attendant complexities is one of the strongest, all-consuming  human emotions; so strong in women and weak in men once married, or so I dare say.

After marriage, men usually turn mundane and even cold while women feel deeper in love. Complexities of love have also been persistently in mind because problems need not exist; happiness can prevail if only both partners compromise, give space to the other and appreciation is expressed. Of course incompatibility is discovered once you live with the other. Here too understanding and meeting halfway may erase many a crease.
Also, what is the subject/emotion dealt with most in creative writing, song, film, drama?
(I have detailed this in my introduction in the book.)

5   Many stories about love focus on romantic fulfilment. Why did you choose to centre on the stories where love did not follow the expected path?
Simply because most of the married women I approached to participate in the adventure of laying bare their hearts declared their marriages had been failures, and they had suffered much. In my generation and the next, divorce was not resorted to.
The unmarried were by nature averse to loving a man, mainly due to having discerned their clay feet of huge egos, selfishness, and even cunning.
A third reason, as I mentioned in the book was the difficulty of finding a woman who said she was truly happy with her man. This is a sad fact.
Additionally, I was influenced by English literature that focused so much on sensual love.
 
6 How did you find and select the women whose stories you feature? Were they eager to share, or did it take time to build trust?
They were friends or friends of friends. Only a handful were eager in the two sections: Unmarrieds, Married but ... Most needed cajoling. The few happily married people I knew were not keen to join the adventure. Reasons for refusal by all three statuses were: not wanting exposure, even with the anonymity I promised; plain laziness; not wanting to step out (Sri Lankan social strata are close and gossipy); and some wary of setting down thoughts – ‘Aney I cannot write.’

7   The women in your book emerge as independent and capable despite their romantic disappointments. What qualities did you notice that helped them rise above heartbreak?
Love of their children; responsibility to them; not wanting to spoil in any way their lives; consideration of parents. They also decided to give more of themselves – forbearance - and sacrifice their happiness since most pitied their cruel husbands, especially when the husbands got older and less strong. Definitely a sense of duty and gratitude for good times enjoyed or love felt in spite of all troubles. The Sri Lankan woman of my generation understood the hierarchical system that had prevailed – in favour of men. Women definitely have steel in them, and sacrificial love and concern.

8   How do you think the portrayal of love and relationships in literature and media differs from the reality you captured in these stories?
Maybe because the stories I compiled are non-fiction, autobiographical and thus true. Only some show misery; the single girls say they are happy.  Media is mostly news and literature does have more tragic stories than ‘happily ever afters’. Not much difference really.

9    As someone who has written pseudonymously for much of your career, what made you decide to publish this book under your own name?
Being more of a woman of my own – independent. Widowed with grown children, one who seems embarrassed that their mother dares publish, the other is very encouraging. When I wrote signed, I used my maiden name to circumvent in-law criticism, which was sent my way. I feel entitled to write what I want and even face societal criticism under the name my parents gave me.  Also, if the writing is controversial, it ought to be signed: no hiding identity behind a pseudonym.

10 Looking back on your career and now this book, what has been the most rewarding aspect of giving voice to women’s experiences of love and resilience?
Giving into my love of writing: creative - fictional or real - and expressing what I most feel about: women and the trials and tribulations they undergo and emerge as winners in a soft, sweet, feminine way.  I admire the Sri Lankan woman from the simple rural to the educated and career-oriented, across the board, with of course, a few exceptions!